LOVE

Definitions of Love (per us)

1) The extreme enjoyment of a person, place, thing or experience. The desire to be in the presence of these things that increase our positive energy.

2) To value something highly because it intrinsically maifests qualities that you consider essential.

3) To commit acts of will, to sustain and nourish a person, place, thing or experience that manifests essential qualities, with no thought of compensation or reciprocation.

4) An emotional reaction to stimuli that causes a release of endorphins that make us “feel good”.

All of these definitions describe situations where you perceive value. “Love” is a reflection of things that you think are important, things that nourish you, things that provide you with energy.

I reject the notion of unconditional love. Unconditional love is co-dependence. So, no matter what a person does you will love them…unconditionally? What exactly is it that you are loving? What is the value you are serving? I submit to you that you cling to this person, place, thing or experience because it once triggered a “value response” in you for which you now have no place to transfer your attached emotion. Absent this, you perform some emotional gymnastics in an attempt to retain the feeling to which you have attached.

Throughout our lives, as we have more experiences and, hopefully, grow in wisdom, we change. We come to appreciate some things more than others. Our values become more focused. The things that bring us energy are more clear to us. The things that we “love” will change throughout this process.

In the best cases of human love, we recognize in another person, qualities and values to which we aspire but on which we need more development. We recognize that this person can help us to improve ourselves. It s an acknowledgement that we need growth. We “love” these qualities in another person not because they are “just like us” but because we perceive them as “better” than us. There is no negative emotion or envy in this. It is supreme appreciation. It is also an acknowledgement of our affection for life and the unverse. We recognize that we can be of more value to this existence by improving our own approach to life.

“Love”, is a moving target. Love, in the vast majority of cases is “all about ourselves”. But, a “better” us can make for a “better” experience for the universe…whatever “better” is?

So, three essential final statements:

1) Physically, Love is about energy. We want proximity to those things that increase it.

2) Intellectually, there can be no love without understanding and values.

3) Emotionally, love is a chemical reaction to stimuli.

LOVE WITHOUT THE NEED TO POSSESS

Nothing belongs to you in this realm, yet, in the most beautiful of ways, everything belongs to all of us.  All the material possessions you amass and all of the relationship you experience, biological and emotional, will all be gone, at some point. It seems the only thing we get to carry with us is the set of knowledge we collect.  Our continuity of thought, built on this learning and on our experiences, basically forms who we are, at any given moment.  Even “who we are” is a moving target. 

With that in mind, it seems pointless to attempt to “possess” things or to believe that people “belong” to us.  The concept of “my spouse” or “my Kids” or “my friends” typically evokes some feeling of possession or belonging.  In fact, any of these relationships really invokes only an agreement to experience portions of this life together.  They typically represent the agreement to assist each other with certain tasks in life. They represent commitment and responsibility.  They do not represent “ownership” or “possession”.  Many people have emotional “check lists” of life accomplishments. Getting married and having children are on those lists for many, many people.

It is advisable, I think, to learn to appreciate the value in all things and all people…but…never attempt to cling to any of it. It is OK to deeply appreciate, value and love your spouse.  However, if at some point in life the enrichment of this relationship fades, it is not a sign of personal failure.  It may even be a sign of personal growth, for both of you.  None of us gets to experience all aspects of all people that we encounter.  You may yearn to experience people in ways that are not available, given other commitments or circumstances.  In these situations, focus on appreciating and loving those aspects of people that you ARE able to experience.  Waste no time lamenting the aspects that you cannot access. The time spent “suffering” for what you want will diminish the time spent enjoying what you “have”.  

This is also true of experiencing things, places, events, etc.  Absorb all the knowledge and understanding you can.  Do not attempt to hold on.  Remember, you cannot sail your ship to another port if you insist on remaining anchored where you are…  

NOTE: Neither the things you “want” nor the things you “have” are yours.  You are just experiencing them.  They are, as with almost all things, transient. Encounter, enjoy, enrich, learn, remember, move on… In this way, all things are accessible to all of us, to a degree.  None of us, in our limited space and time can experience everything in this realm.  This, it seems to me, provides an even more urgent incentive to diminish our need to “possess”. This approach to life will allow more freedom, in space and time, to explore and learn and grow. You may seek safety or you may seek freedom...but you will not attain both....